Carboncillo

Carboncillo was the best place any 9 year old kid would want to live. Set in the mountains of Ecuador, and surrounded by forest and meadows, Carboncillo was a 30 minute drive away from the smallest town, and then another 15 minute walk down the rocky road from where the bus let you off. I remember waking up in the cold cabin room with the amber sun peaking through my window onto my wrinkled, faded sleeping bag. The warmth in the living room would hit me as I walked out of my cold room to the fireplace to warm myself up. Cafe con leche would be heating on the stove, and the smell of eggs and toast would drift past me, drawing me to the kitchen where breakfast was waiting. After breakfast my sister and I would run out to the meadow, the crisp, morning air caressing our faces and hands. The mist would be so thick it was like walking on a thin cloud with the tips of the tallest grass peeking through the the top.
We would run along the clay trail past the creek that emptied into the watering hole where there was buried treasure waiting to be discovered. And that trail would lead us to the endless meadow. The meadow surrounded by hills on all sides but one where the sun set at 6 every day, painting the skies bright colors of orange, yellow, pink, and purple. Our little cowgirl hats would bounce on our heads as we ran through the wide expansion laughing and twirling in the wind. We would take the trail through the S shaped pine tree forest and come out on the other side of the meadow where the horses were tied up. Rolling up the rope into one hand , we would hop on bare back and go wherever the horses took us.
I remember talking about the hard life of a 9 year old kid, not realizing how easy I really had it back then. We would do tricks, my sister and I. We would see who could stand on the horses rump the longest, or who could turn from facing frontward to facing backward while the horse was running. Sometimes the horses would take off running with us on their backs, and we, having no reins, would have no choice but to ride where they took us.
After a full day of riding and exploring new, unfound trails, we would tie the horses back up in the meadow and head back to the cabin, the sun setting behind us. A warm fire would be going when we walked through the door, and dad would be fanning the flames with and old newspaper. We would take our boots off at the door, and hang our soaking wet socks above the fireplace to dry. Mom would be in the kitchen cooking chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches with hot chocolate on the side. After eating, we'd all curl up in the living room where the fire was going, and we would get lost in our books, in the cabin, 15 minutes from the road, where the bus would pick us up the next morning and take us 30 minutes back to the nearest town.

A Burr, a City, and a Jesus

Lately I’ve been having this feeling. A feeling of unrest. A feeling telling me that I could be doing more with my life in the present than going to school and cleaning houses. A missionary speaker at church the other day described this feeling as a “burr under the saddle”- if you’ve ever ridden a horse with a burr under its saddle, you would know, because it’d be agitated and restless. I don’t know exactly what my burr is, but I feel like God is the one who put it there. Even though I should be perfectly content just going to school, and even though we can afford only having Michael work, I feel like God has a higher calling for me here.

I should say Florence Nightingale has provided a bit of inspiration for me. I’ve been reading her biography. She grew up in a well-to-do family in the mid 1800’s, and back then, if you were an upper class woman, you didn’t have to worry about getting a job. All you had to worry about was finding a wealthy husband, and having the ability to throw social gatherings. But Florence must have felt this “burr” too, because she was discontent with that lifestyle. Instead of living a life of sewing, reading, and gossiping, she snuck out to work at a local hospital. Despite the various proposals she had from wealthy, respectable men, (even one she loved back!), she knew she would be discontent living the life of luxury when so many people needed her nursing abilities. When the Crimean war broke out, Florence left all she had and risked her life serving on the battlefield as a nurse.

Florence is an inspiration. I don’t by any means feel a calling to leave Michael to join the military and be a nurse on the battlefield, but I do feel like I need to sacrifice this easygoing lifestyle and make a bigger difference in the community where people need to see Jesus.

About a year ago I worked as a CNA at a nursing home here in Martinsville. I was going through a lot at the time, and working at the nursing home full time, (with another part time job in the afternoons) proved to be too much for me, so I quit after only 2 weeks. I know it was the right decision at the time. But now, a year later, I look back and remember how much some of the people- both staff and residence- needed a kind word or just an ear to listen. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much those people needed Jesus. Some of them were already Christians, and merely needed encouragement or someone there who shared their beliefs. Others just needed to see Jesus in other people- through their works and attitude. I’m not quite sure yet, but I feel like this could be the burr God has put under my saddle. I could either ignore it and miss out on a grand adventure God has mapped out for me, or I could accept it and be a servant of God to people who need Him right here in Martinsville.

I am still looking for direction on this one. I haven’t gotten a ‘confirmation’ that this is exactly what God wants me to do, and I certainly don’t want to rush into anything that might not be God’s desire, and end up distracting me from nursing school. I do know that that whatever this 'burr' is, whether it's giving an encouraging word to my neighbor or or buying mosquito nets for people in Africa, as long as it's done in love, for God's glory, it's the right thing. This blog turned out to be longer than I expected, but I think the best way to finish it are the lyrics by chris tomlin that have been running through my head all week, and pretty much sum up my desire to do more in this community.

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
and greater things are still to be done in this city,
Greater things are yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here.

I Am Truly Weak

You are proven right when you judge
And justified when You speak.
Truth is Your strongest desire
but I am truly weak.

I take my armor off and bow
I lay it at Your throne
truly You have judged me right
when You have judged these bones.

Surely I was sinful at birth
But that is no excuse
For me to behave like a child
or be deliberately obtuse

Forgive this doubting heart of mine
my spirit can be so bleak
You teach me wisdom in the inmost place
but I am truly weak.

Inspired by Psalm 51:4-6 " Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner part, You teach me wisdom in the inmost place."

School has ended. This past week that I have been out of school I have found myself spending endless hours reading books for fun and watching my favorite movies. It has been refreshing. I have read/watched stories unfold that have recharged me, inspired me, evoked emotions that have long been forgotten, and instilled dreams that have long been buried. It has been nice to take a step back from the rush of school and assess my life for what it is.
I've come to realize that my relationship with God has been slipping, and it is time to pick up slack on my part and start digging in the Word to get to know my Savior on a deeper level. I have also noticed that I've lost focus on my dreams and begun questioning myself. Why am I here and where am I going? It seems the business of daily living- cooking, cleaning, doing homework, walking the dog, taking out the trash- occupies our minds so much that we lose focus of the future and pay attention instead to what needs to be done now. I sometimes feel like Martha. While Mary was clinging to everything Jesus said, Martha was focusing more on the work that needed to be done. I want so much to live life at a slower pace and take time to listen to the Spirit.

"Surely God has abandoned us"

"When God didn't answer their prayers, they mourned saying, 'surely God has abandoned us'".

I have had this phrase stuck in my head for the past two weeks. It's relative to what I'm feeling. Everything seems to be falling apart, and though I seek God out and ask for mercy or wisdom, no answer comes. I used to find God in solitude. I would sit outside in the cool breeze alone, and I could almost hear His voice directing me. Comforting me. But lately when I seek him out, I hear nothing. I just end up being stuck with my own troublesome thoughts. And maybe that's the problem- I need to clear my mind before seeking God out.

With everything going on, I'm confused as to whether I heard God right when He told me to pursue nursing. Unbidden thoughts come into my head saying He was just playing with my mind. Or that he pulled me halfway through and then, after all the mistakes I've made, just kind of gave up on me. I know in my head this isn't true. He's pulled me through so many times in my life, and that's what I have to look back to to reassure myself He's going to save me from myself again. But satan plants the seeds of doubt, and sometimes I let those seeds grow a little further than I should.

"When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you...." Deuteronomy 4:30-31

Hope and Rest

I have just finished reading the third book of the riveting Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers. For the past three weeks those books have sucked me in to the fictional lives of unshakeable Christians in the early church living in Rome, Ephesus, and Germania. Each day I have found myself yearning for a few hours, or even precious minutes to feel the pages of these moving stories envelope me, holding me captive from my surroundings and yet helping me escape from the stress and business of my everyday life.

In these telltale sagas, I followed the lives of simple Christians, witnessing the power of Christ in gladiator arenas, in Germanian tribes, and through slavery. I saw the power of prayer unfold, and watched as people's lives got flipped upside down by the mysteries of Jesus. In these stories I felt Christ's presence all around. I experienced little fear, and was constantly astonished at what Christ could do. Though these are only fictional accounts that a brilliant author wrote, I know similar things have happened in the early church. I had unshakeable faith when reading these stories, and each day and night I itched to read more. They made me feel safe, because in the end, I knew God's will would prevail.

But the last pages of the series have been read, and now instead of hungering for the next adventure to begin, I feel bereft, wondering, "what now"? I've read these accounts of witnesses for Christ. I read how they endured some of the daily troubles I still endure today- impatience, fear, anxiety... the list can go on. And even though I applauded those characters to do what was right and to push those troubling thoughts from their minds, I find myself struggling in my own life with them. I know what the "what now" is. I know what God is asking of me- to follow Christ's example, just as the character in the books did. When they faced trials of many kinds, they found hope in the Lord. They loved and forgave their enemies. They prayed unceasingly. And I know this is what Christ asks of me. To find hope in him. "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalms 62:5-6 When life gets hard, and doubts and fears arise, that is when it is most important to find hope in God.

In Matthew 11:28-30, Christ said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The only way I can find rest for my soul and peace for my mind is through Christ.

Forgive.

In a distant land far, far away ,
a maiden sat and gazed
O’er the crystal Agean sea
with blue waters appraised.

And on the rock she did reside
were written these sincere words
“all men who hate shall not forget
their sins for they are cursed.”

A sailor who sailed these waters oft
Who wrote this parable
Had made it through a dreadful storm
None since were comparable

His life had flashed before his eyes
His enemies- they did laugh
He decided then he must forgive
Before God invoked His wrath

And forgive he did, For his life was spared
And he sailed to his home land
He forgave the hated, loved his enemies
No longer did he shift in sand.